yAfter a 4-8 season, there has been a lot of talk around SEC Media circles about whether or not Mizzou belongs in the SEC. Without exception, every one of these arguments begins with “despite winning two back-to-back SEC East championships…” which of course is a glacier-sized and ridiculous exception to make. Apparently however, there are no repercussions for saying abysmally ridiculous things when you’re in the SEC media. Since these geniuses have gone to great lengths to tell us what it takes to “be SEC” let’s take a look around the conference and see who really belongs.
 
Alabama
Let’s start with the obvious. We all know Alabama is not SEC material. First of all, they’ve never won an SEC East title. Now, some of you may say “Alabama is in the West.” We get it, but what you’re missing is that when you’re deeming a team SEC or not, logic is not an important factor. On top of this, did you know Alabama lost the national championship game last year to a team in a basketball conference? Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Arkansas
If Missouri is not SEC, (and we all know it’s not. Barret Sallee has told us so) then what in the world does that make Arkansas? We were all told Mizzou was the worst team in the world last year, and yet somehow, this Tiger team beat the Razorbacks. On top of that, Missouri has beaten Arkansas four other times. Head Coach Bret Bielema has gone 7-17 in conference play in his time at Arkansas. This program is in the dumpster. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Auburn
Talk about a team with an identity crisis. While officially known as the Tigers, Auburn faithful seem to think they are the War Eagles. This isn’t really surprising when you consider that Auburn is only the second best football team in it’s backwards, poor, ignorant little state. For God’s sake, Auburn can’t even keep trees alive. Instead of water, Auburn fans try to feed oak trees at Toomer’s Corner with toilet paper. It’s like an even stupider version of Idiocracy. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Florida
We all know Florida isn’t really the South. It is America’s phallus and home of a bizarre band of sleazy deadbeat dads skipping out on child support payments. The Gators fans are famous for their jean shorts, but they also have a proud history of blowing up their fingers with illegal fireworks. Don’t sell these people short. They are many things, but they’re certainly not SEC. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Georgia
The Bulldogs love their football. They have high expectations. Part of their rich football tradition is to fire head coaches who have winning records for not winning national championships, and then going on to continue not winning national championships. In fact, Georgia hasn’t won a national championship in 37 years, but their delusional fans seem to think they have an elite football program. They sound a lot like Notre Dame fans. But is Notre Dame an SEC school? Absolutely not. Ergo, neither is Georgia. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Kentucky
The Wildcats are awful at football. They rank 92 in the nation in all-time win-loss record, 105 in conference championships, and have never once in their history been ranked number one in the country. All of this is worse than the Missouri Tigers who everyone knows is not SEC. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
LSU
Did you know that LSU has a 0-2 against the University of Santa Clara, which is both not SEC, and no longer even has a football team? It’s true, and let’s be honest, it’s pretty embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Ole Miss
The University of Mississippi Rebels have never won an SEC divisional championship. They are a founding member of the conference but haven’t won a conference title since 1963. Missouri, who as we all know is not SEC, has won two division titles in the last four years. Ole Miss, that’s just not good enough. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Mississippi State
The Missouri Tigers (who you may remember are definitely not SEC) have a better all-time record than MSU (664-550-52 to 546-569-39), more conference championships (5 to 1), more bowl appearances (31 to 20), more consensus All-Americans (14 to 2), more NFL draft picks (212 to 188), more first round NFL draft picks (19 to 11), more weeks in the AP Poll (253 to 180), and more head-to-head wins (2 to 1). Needless to say, Mississippi State is not SEC. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
South Carolina
See above… but even worse. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Tennessee
The Volunteers are far and away the biggest douchebags in all of college sports. The fans are douchebags. The coach is a douchebag. It’s been said that even Smokey the dog is a douchebag. On top of that, did you know Tennessee has a losing record to Dartmouth? It’s true. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Texas A&M
The Aggies of Texas A&M have only been in the SEC since 2012, and as we all know, you have to earn your way to SEC respect. You can’t just waltz into the conference and expect to be embraced with open arms, right? Right? Plus, to their everlasting shame, in 2013, Texas A&M lost to Missouri allowing the Tigers to claim the SEC East title, forever tarnishing that honor and damaging the reputation of the SEC. Downright shameful. Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
Vanderbilt
Embarrassing.
NOT SEC
 
So maybe we’ve solved the riddle of what exactly it takes to be SEC. Maybe no team can live up to the proud mantle. Prepare to have your mind blown here. Maybe, just maybe, Missouri does belong in the SEC because like all the other SEC schools, it doesn’t belong in the SEC. They don’t belong because they belong, but how can you belong if you don’t belong? Einhorn is Finkel. Finkel is Einhorn! AHHHH!

​Last year, football pundit hack Barrett Sallee predicted Notre Dame to go 12-0. The Fighting Irish proceeded to lose their opening game against a seven loss Texas team en route to a 4-8 season. This epic miscalculation along with his prediction for Tennessee to win the SEC East (to be fair, he was far from alone on this miscue) inspired us to make our own insane prediction that no sane person could possibly believe.
 
That takes us to our 2017 breakdown of how our Missouri Tigers will go 12-0 en route to an SEC title. Don’t believe it? Neither do we, but that doesn’t stop highly paid professional soothsayers from making ridiculous claims. Why should it stop us?
 
So, without further ado, here’s how it will happen (it won’t)…
 
Week One: vs. Missouri State
The Bears are terrible. I hate to say it because I love Dave Steckel, the current MSU head coach and former Mizzou defensive coordinator, but he’s got an impossible job. MSU went 4-7 last year, and this wasn’t a Mizzou kind of 4-win season. The Bears lost to the likes of Northern Iowa and Illinois State. There is more chance of Bryan Goers being successfully cured of his genital warts than of MSU winning this game in Columbia. Even the biggest Tiger haters in SEC Land predict a Mizzou win here. Drew Lock throws for more than 500 yards and Mizzou wins in a route.
MU: 63, MSU 6 (Mizzou: 1-0)
 
Week Two: vs. South Carolina
Mizzou will break with tradition in 2017 and take on a division opponent early in the year. No one knows what kind of defense will field in 2017, but everyone knows what kind of coach Will Muschamp is. There’s your reason for hope, right there. Muschamp is a program killer and South Carolina is on the firing line. The Gamecocks look to be decent this season with returning quarterback Jake Bentley securing his leadership role on the team and he’ll have an arsenal of weapons at his disposal on offense. How do the Tigers win this game? South Carolina’s offensive line is garbage … hot garbage. A healthy Terry Beckner Jr. and Marcel Frazier will come out firing and keep Bentley on his back more than Tijuana hooker on payday. A Drew Lock-led Missouri offense will feast on the Gamecocks’ mediocre defense and the Tigers will pull away late.
MU: 34, USC: 16 (Mizzou 2-0)
 
Week Three vs. Purdue
In the third consecutive home game of the season, Missouri will face it’s out of conference Power Five school opponent, the Purdue Boilermakers. The Tigers couldn’t get a softer matchup unless the game was against Kansas. The Boilermakers went 3-9 last year and finished dead last in the West Division of the Big 10 Conference. Purdue will be led by first year coach Jeff Brohm, a longtime Louisville man known for producing high-flying offenses. On that front, Purdue is bringing back the Big 10’s leading passer in quarterback David Blough, but his receiving corps is reportedly inexperienced and weak. Even Purdue loyalists are expecting about four wins this season. They won’t get one in Columbia. Cam Hilton makes his presence known in this game, picking off two Blough passes en route to a third Tiger win.
MU: 42, PU: 19 (Mizzou 3-0)
 
Week Four vs. Auburn
The toughest challenge the Tigers will face all year comes in Week Four when Gus Malzahn’s Auburn Tigers/War Eagles/Alabama Inferiority Complexers take to Faurot Field. Malzahn added former Baylor quarterback Jarrett Stidham to his roster this year, to augment the Auburn running attack led by Kamryn Pettway who ran for 1,224 yards in an injury shortened season. The Auburn offense is nasty and will be a real test for Mizzou’s questionable defense. Barry Odom will be the star of this game however, the renowned defensive whiz will throw everything he’s got at Auburn to confuse and shake up the talented Stidham in what will be just his fourth game in an Auburn uniform. Mizzou with blast Auburn with corner blitzes, stunts, and lean heavily on its untested linebacking corps to limit damage. Meanwhile, Drew Lock and company will battle through a stout Auburn defense that gave up only 17 points a game in 2016. Tucker McCann boots a game winning field goal as time expires.
MU: 24, AU: 21 (Mizzou 4-0)
 
Week Five at Kentucky
The SEC pundits are united in predicting a Wildcat victory in this game, but I just don’t see it. Kentucky has a garbage defense. More feasting for Drew Lock, but Damarea Crockett will do most of the work. Expect Crockett to pour on more than 200 yards and score three touchdowns. Kentucky’s running game will do a little damage itself, but not nearly enough to undo Crockett’s damage.
MU: 27, UK: 17 (Mizzou 5-0)
 
Week Six at Georgia
The Tigers have lost to Georgia by a combined four points over the last two years. Most SEC pundits expect Georgia to win the East but they will run into a buzzsaw against Missouri. Nick Chubb, Sony Michel, and Jacob Eason lead a fearsome offense in Athens, but turnovers are the key. Missouri will be deadly when you give them extra possessions and a poised Drew Lock takes advantage at every turn. Georgia keeps it close late, but the Tigers defense makes a goal line stand and keeps the perfect season alive.
MU: 34, UGA: 31 (Mizzou 6-0)
 
Week Seven vs. Idaho
Did you know that the University of Idaho’s mascot is the Vandals? Neither did anyone else. They become a mid-season sacrificial lamb and allow Missouri’s potent offense to pad their already gaudy stats. J’Mon Moore will lead the charge with 215 yards receiving.
MU: 59, UI: 13 (Mizzou 7-0)
 
Week Eight at Connecticut
Remember when I said Missouri State was bad? Meet UConn. In a strange roadtrip to the northeast, Mizzou will take on a Huskie squad that won three games last season and never scored more than 27 points. Even a mediocre defense can stop these weaklings. Add Missouri’s explosive offense to the mix, and you have got an ugly blowout, even on the road. Drew Lock will have another 400 yard outing, Crockett will run for over 150 yards, and the Tigers will get an easy win.
MU: 42, UC: 13 (Mizzou 8-0)
 
Week Nine vs. Florida
Florida will be regressing a bit in 2017, in part because they will struggle with who should be starting at quarterback. Running back Jordan Scarlett won’t have much luck either and the Tigers defense will put in its most impressive outing of the year, sacking Florida five times. Johnathan Johnson will score two touchdowns against a tough Gator defense and cement the deal.
MU: 24, UF: 14 (Mizzou 9-0)
 
Week Ten vs. Tennessee
Sweet redemption will come to Faurot field late in 2017. Missouri has lost to the Vols the last couple of years, but that all comes to an end. Without the eyebrowless wonder, Josh Dobbs, the Vols find themselves now toothless. Mizzou will pour it on and Barry Odom doesn’t take his foot off the gas, angering a flustered life champion, Butch Jones. Ish Witter has his first 100-yard game and Kendall Blanton adds a pair of touchdowns in the win.
MU: 49, UT: 9 (Mizzou 10-0)
 
Week Eleven at Vanderbilt
With his job on the line, Derek Mason will try to pull off a big upset at home. Running back Ralph Webb manages a 100-yard game but the Commodore defense can’t keep up with the Tiger receivers. J’Mon Moore scores three touchdowns and the Tigers roll to another road win.
MU: 31, VU: 14 (Mizzou 11-0)
 
Week Twelve at Arkansas
The Razorbacks will be out for blood after linebacker Eric Beisel taunts the team by roasting a whole hog on a spit along the Mizzou sideline prior to the game. Quarterback Austin Allen throws three touchdown passes, but the Razorback defense wears down in the end, much as they did in 2016. The Tigers complete an unlikely perfect season en route to a national title.  R-kansans cry into their moonshine.
MU: 31, UA: 24 (Mizzou 12-0)

There you have it. Bookmark this page and show your friends. This is how it's going to happen and if it doesn't, there will be zero consequences ... apparently. There doesn't seem to be for the Barrett Sallees of the world, or any of the other rock heads that spew hot garbage on the SEC Network. Enjoy your national title, pals!