Travis was born in 1979 in Goodlettsville, Tennessee to the eternal shame of his parents. Travis attended George Washington University where he majored in history and whiled away the hours masturbating alone in his dorm room. Upon graduation, Travis took the notion that he might be able to finally convince a woman to touch his gnarled and undersized penis if he became a lawyer. So, he attended Vanderbilt University Law School in an effort to begin a brief and unremarkable career in law.
After spending approximately 20 minutes as a lawyer, Travis finally found his calling. He quit his job and began blogging from his parents’ basement. This new path allowed him to follow two of his great passions; insulting better athletes than himself and dry-humping his mother’s sofa pillows in the dark.
After publishing a book about the SEC, Travis’ career inexplicably took off and he went on to start and stop several cumbersome digital media ventures gaining a loyal following of uneducated, mouth-breathing virgins. Travis built his career by writing with a brash, fact-free, deranged worldview and by trolling other more successful journalists and athletes with a string of one-note, easy insults.
Travis was killed Saturday in a calamitous incident while crossing Peabody Street in Nashville. A swarm of bees descended on Travis and began repeatedly stinging his genitals and anus. Travis began flailing wildly to free himself from the swarm, tripped on the curb and fell backwards onto a fire hydrant. Travis was penetrated rectally by the hydrant and the impact caused it to release a torrent of water into his colon. The water pressure ejected Travis back into the street where he was struck by a passing septic tank pump truck. Travis was then dragged six blocks beneath the truck when the driver realized an incident had occurred.
At that point, the driver stopped the truck abruptly causing the holding tank to rupture and spilling six tons of septic fecal waste onto Travis’ broken and bloody body. An onlooker then dragged Travis from the street and began to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Upon recognizing Travis, the onlooker became overcome by the odor and sense of personal disgust, and violently vomited into Travis’ mouth.
An ambulance then drove Travis at a very leisurely pace to the hospital where a light-hearted effort was made to resuscitate him, before he succumbed to his injuries.
No memorial service will be held due to lack of interest but a ticker tape parade is being planned in downtown Nashville if there is space sufficient to accommodate the expected throngs. In lieu of Molotov cocktails, donations may be made to the Tennessee Asylum for the Criminally Insane in Travis’ memory.
Travis will be interred at the Allied Waste Nashville Landfill. Interested parties are asked to please call ahead for appointments to piss on his grave as reservations are filling up fast and space is limited.
Travis is survived by no one as he was unloved.