So what can we do about it. There are two important things to know when dealing with the dark arts. First, you must find the source of the curse. Second, you must find a counter-spell. This is all just good science and I’m sure you’re all on board with me at this point.
Let’s tackle the first item on our list… the source of the curse. Let’s face it. Mizzou has many enemies. Kansas is an obvious suspect. They’ve hated us for years and have been pouting ever since we left the Big 12. The problem is that Kansas clearly used every ounce of dark magic that their plague-ridden hellscape of a state could ever conjure in its effort to beat the Texas Longhorns this weekend. There’s no way they could summon the kind of power needed to curse the Tigers for two years AND beat Texas. Not possible. So who’s next?
This should come as no surprise to anyone. Spurrier is a very powerful 6,000-year-old necromancer who has many reasons to want to smite the Tigers. Let’s start with the fact that Mizzou kicked his ass in the 1966 Sugar Bowl. Also remember that Mizzou helped send Spurrier packing last year with a 24-10 tub-thumping. He retired one game later with his tale between his legs.
What many of you might be forgetting as well, is the curse began IMMEDIATELY after we beat Spurrier this final time. What followed this October 3rd, 2015 game? The Tigers went on to lose six of its final seven games. A series of protests gained national attention and led to the resignations of the university chancellor and system president. The basketball team continued to falter, winning only ten games. Gary Pinkel would resign with major health concerns. The athletic director ran for the hills as fast as he could. Harold Brantley and Walter Brady were kicked off the team. We’ve won only one conference game under new coach Barry Odom. Michael Scherer and Terry Beckner Jr. had season ending injuries. We drop every other pass and can no longer tacklet. And now Damarea Crockett is arrested on dopy charges. (Get it?)
So there’s the problem and its source. Now what do we do to get rid of this curse? Well, the fact is if Mizzou is going to break this curse, we’re going to have to dabble in some black magic ourselves. While not licensed witch doctors, after some quick Googling, we were able to concoct a powerful potion that should do the trick. We recommend you cook up the same formula. Anyway, here’s the recipe!
2016 Mizzou Curse-Breaking Spell
2 Receiver Gloves from J’Mon Moore
1 tbsn of Quin Snyder’s Flop Sweat
1 Lock of Melissa Click’s Hair
1 gallon Jayhawk Blood
1 Anterior Cruciate Ligament from Terry Beckner Jr.
2 gallons of Gasoline from Harold Brantley’s Car
1 Dime Bag from Dorial Green-Beckham
1 Maty Mauk Headband
1 tsp Kim Anderson Charisma (hard to find)
15 gallons of Mack Rhoades arrogance (should be no problem to find at all)
There you have it folks! You’re welcome. The ancient texts call for us to then rub the potion over a fattened pig for the curse to be broken. We’ve decided to fill water balloons with our potion and chuck it at Bret Bielema. That should have the same affect. Better things are surely on the way for 2017!