3. Mizzou’s Defense
After a terrible season, it would stand to reason that Mizzou defense needed to take an edge off. While drugs are strictly prohibited by first year head coach Barry Odom (a major policy shift from the last few years under Pinkel) the team was forced to seek alternative methods of taking their minds off the 4,738 missed tackles from 2016. In their search for coping mechanisms, the team clearly made poor decisions. They concocted a plan where they would get some kind of virus so they could have access to “drugs” to fix the illness. Unfortunately, no one was there to tell them that things like antibiotics do not have the same effects as marijuana or cocaine. We blame the departure of Matty Mauk for that basic lack of understanding of narcotics.
2. Kim Anderson
If it were not for the mumps, the main story at MU today would be the terrible state of the basketball team. The team dropped a game to NC Central (which after confirming with the internet, we discovered is a real college). The team currently sits at 5-4, but two of the wins came by 5 points or fewer against teams you don’t want me to say or you’ll get angry. We suspect that Coach Anderson may have released the virus on campus to hide the fact his basketball team isn’t any good. If this is the case, we have to give the man credit. The poor performance of his team has reduced the number of fans at games to a ridiculously low amount. Combine that with a mumps scare and no one wants to come to campus to watch the Tigers play. No doubt he’s hoping this will allow him to coach an extra year. We’re on to you, Kim.
While other theories have to be considered, it is safe to say that Kansas is the most likely culprit of the mumps outbreak. In 2006, Kansas had more than 500 cases of the mumps. Considering the lack of basic health care in the state (or any government provided basic services for that matter), it is highly possible that the virus lay dormant waiting for the right opportunity to cross the border in to Missouri. In January of 2016, mumps was reported by Kansas State University, then less than a year later it showed up in Columbia. We’re going to guess that a humanitarian relief team sent from Missouri to the Kansas disaster wasteland accidently contracted the disease and brought it back to campus. Just like when doctors responded to the Ebola outbreak in Africa, Missouri sent our best - um... most expendable - people to Kansas to try and provide average Kansans relief. That effort has clearly failed as the mumps has hit central Missouri hard.