Let’s start with the obvious. We all know Alabama is not SEC material. First of all, they’ve never won an SEC East title. Now, some of you may say “Alabama is in the West.” We get it, but what you’re missing is that when you’re deeming a team SEC or not, logic is not an important factor. On top of this, did you know Alabama lost the national championship game last year to a team in a basketball conference? Embarrassing.
If Missouri is not SEC, (and we all know it’s not. Barret Sallee has told us so) then what in the world does that make Arkansas? We were all told Mizzou was the worst team in the world last year, and yet somehow, this Tiger team beat the Razorbacks. On top of that, Missouri has beaten Arkansas four other times. Head Coach Bret Bielema has gone 7-17 in conference play in his time at Arkansas. This program is in the dumpster. Embarrassing.
Talk about a team with an identity crisis. While officially known as the Tigers, Auburn faithful seem to think they are the War Eagles. This isn’t really surprising when you consider that Auburn is only the second best football team in it’s backwards, poor, ignorant little state. For God’s sake, Auburn can’t even keep trees alive. Instead of water, Auburn fans try to feed oak trees at Toomer’s Corner with toilet paper. It’s like an even stupider version of Idiocracy. Embarrassing.
We all know Florida isn’t really the South. It is America’s phallus and home of a bizarre band of sleazy deadbeat dads skipping out on child support payments. The Gators fans are famous for their jean shorts, but they also have a proud history of blowing up their fingers with illegal fireworks. Don’t sell these people short. They are many things, but they’re certainly not SEC. Embarrassing.
The Bulldogs love their football. They have high expectations. Part of their rich football tradition is to fire head coaches who have winning records for not winning national championships, and then going on to continue not winning national championships. In fact, Georgia hasn’t won a national championship in 37 years, but their delusional fans seem to think they have an elite football program. They sound a lot like Notre Dame fans. But is Notre Dame an SEC school? Absolutely not. Ergo, neither is Georgia. Embarrassing.
The Wildcats are awful at football. They rank 92 in the nation in all-time win-loss record, 105 in conference championships, and have never once in their history been ranked number one in the country. All of this is worse than the Missouri Tigers who everyone knows is not SEC. Embarrassing.
Did you know that LSU has a 0-2 against the University of Santa Clara, which is both not SEC, and no longer even has a football team? It’s true, and let’s be honest, it’s pretty embarrassing.
The University of Mississippi Rebels have never won an SEC divisional championship. They are a founding member of the conference but haven’t won a conference title since 1963. Missouri, who as we all know is not SEC, has won two division titles in the last four years. Ole Miss, that’s just not good enough. Embarrassing.
The Missouri Tigers (who you may remember are definitely not SEC) have a better all-time record than MSU (664-550-52 to 546-569-39), more conference championships (5 to 1), more bowl appearances (31 to 20), more consensus All-Americans (14 to 2), more NFL draft picks (212 to 188), more first round NFL draft picks (19 to 11), more weeks in the AP Poll (253 to 180), and more head-to-head wins (2 to 1). Needless to say, Mississippi State is not SEC. Embarrassing.
See above… but even worse. Embarrassing.
The Volunteers are far and away the biggest douchebags in all of college sports. The fans are douchebags. The coach is a douchebag. It’s been said that even Smokey the dog is a douchebag. On top of that, did you know Tennessee has a losing record to Dartmouth? It’s true. Embarrassing.
The Aggies of Texas A&M have only been in the SEC since 2012, and as we all know, you have to earn your way to SEC respect. You can’t just waltz into the conference and expect to be embraced with open arms, right? Right? Plus, to their everlasting shame, in 2013, Texas A&M lost to Missouri allowing the Tigers to claim the SEC East title, forever tarnishing that honor and damaging the reputation of the SEC. Downright shameful. Embarrassing.
So maybe we’ve solved the riddle of what exactly it takes to be SEC. Maybe no team can live up to the proud mantle. Prepare to have your mind blown here. Maybe, just maybe, Missouri does belong in the SEC because like all the other SEC schools, it doesn’t belong in the SEC. They don’t belong because they belong, but how can you belong if you don’t belong? Einhorn is Finkel. Finkel is Einhorn! AHHHH!