I guess the only way to do this is just come straight out with it. Sometimes, after a number of years, a program and a basketball coach decide it’s best to stop seeing each other. This doesn’t mean that we still don’t love each other very much, and please know that we will always love you. This isn’t your fault. In fact, it’s not anybody’s fault. Sometimes a coach and a program just drift apart. We’re still your team. We’ll just be living in different cities. That’s all.
Are you sure you don’t want a Dr. Pepper? You love Dr. Pepper. Okay, I just want you to be comfortable. Okay, look. Here’s the thing. When we got together, a lot of people said we wouldn’t work, but we were young and in love, and we had a dream of great basketball for years. So, it didn’t quite work out that way, but look it wasn’t all bad. We got you guys, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. What kind of fans would brave icy frigid roads to watch a sub-500 basketball team get beaten by Eastern Illinois at home? You’re the best fans anyone could ask for, and we will always love you.
So here’s what’s going to happen and I don’t want any fighting about this. You’re going to have to live with your team and Kim is going to move out. You’ll still get to see him on weekends and at NAIA events, but you’ll be staying right here in your old arena. You may see a few lawyers come go over the next few weeks, but don’t you worry about that. Let the program and Kim take care of that boring old stuff.
What’s that, honey? You want to know if the program has been seeing other coaches? Look, fans, this isn’t the time to worry about all that. Why don’t you just have a soda and relax. After all of this mess settles down, it’s very possible you’ll see some new men come around in nice suits. I’d like you to be as nice to them as possible. They will probably try and tell you lots of nice things and make big promises to win you over, but remember, no new coach will come into this house until your program is absolutely positive that it’s the best fit for you guys.
I know, I know. You’ve dealt with some bad decisions and some bad guys in the past. Mike lied to us and left us for an old program from his past. Everybody told us not to get involved with Frank. That he would just break our hearts. But look, we were desperate and afraid we'd be all alone. He took advantage of us and left us in pretty bad shape. This time, it’s different. Kim’s a good guy… he’s just not the right guy for us, together. Please keep rooting for him. But for now, just lean back, have a soda and know that eventually, we’ll find the right man and things will be alright again.