Mizzou Athletics Adopts US Govt Budget Strategy
Excerpt: "After announcing Mizzou Athletics ran in the red during the last fiscal year, Athletic Director Jim Sterk told media not to worry about the deficit. 'If the Federal Government can run in the red every year, why cant we? It's a new strategy we're trying out'"
Mizzou Not As Racist As South Carolina
Excerpt: "Mizzou Athletic Director Jim Sterk shared how South Carolina used racist slurs against the Women's Basketball Team. He expressed his surprise the drunken South Carolina fans showed the restraint in screaming the n-word in the third quarter instead of their usual strategy of screaming it during the team introductions."
Something Earleywine Loses Job Just Before Season Begins
Excerpt: "In a surprising move, Mizzou Athletic Director Jim Sterk decided he wasn't getting enough press and fired self-described hardass So-and-so Earleywine. Seriously, does anyone know his first name? If so, please reach out to Dave Matter, St. Louis Post Dispatch. "
Earleywine Surprised He Wasn't Biggest Asshole In Room
Excerpt: "After spending his many years as the Mizzou Head Softball Coach telling his players their opinions/feelings didnt matter, Coach Earleywine didn't hold back his feelings in a letter. Earleywine appeared frustrated that he wasn't treated with respect or dignity in a meeting, a move which caught Jim Sterk off guard. Sterk had spent a few days before the meeting practicing his best "Earleywine" in preparation for firing Earleywine. 'The snow shovel has apparently become the snowflake' Sterk mused."
Phillips Suspended; Fans Express Support
Excerpt: "Mizzou Athletics released a statement today that starting point guard Terrance Phillips was suspended indefinitely. Mizzou fans expressed their surprise at the news citing Phillips’ volunteering in the community as a reason to support him. 'How can humans do good things and bad things at the same time?' fans pondered. Is it possible to hold two opinions at the same time? Twitter says no.”
Phillips Suspended; Fans Unsure How To React
Excerpt: "As allegations surrounding Mizzou point guard began to surface following the announcement of his suspension, fans expressed mixed feelings about the news. Some commented on Phillips' maleness as a reason why he should be innocent until proven guilty while others also used his gender as a reason to why he clearly was guilty."
Phillips Suspended; Fans Backing Away From Supportive Tweets
Excerpt: "Now that one day has passed since news of the Phillips suspension hit, Mizzou fans who expressed support for the Mizzou point guard have begun to qualify their support with statements such as "if he really did do it...""
Phillips Suspended; Fans Never Heard of Him
Excerpt: "Reports that at least four different women have filed Title IX complaints against Mizzou point guard Phillips have many fans expressing that it has been their belief all along that former Mizzou point guard Blake Harris was actually a much better player and human."